books that were so horrible, i couldn't even finish them

it is a rare event that i start a book & just don't have the motivation to finish it. sometimes, sure, i'll pick up a book or three on the side to keep me going, but i have made my way through some really, really terrible books. some books, however, were so full of vomitous ho-hum-ness, i didn't think twice about chucking them over my shoulder.

1. Life of Pi ; Yann Martel


i know, people just love this book. intelligent people love this book! english majors, rhianna, more english majors... my brother (debatable reference. he also really likes C.S Lewis) love this book. i? i totally effing hate this book, yo.

while editing our list of top 100 novels, i wanted to strike Life of Pi altogether, but rhianna leaped to its defense with the same crazy-lady!, accusatory look i get from just about everyone. astounding, really. there are more people who are upset i don't like Life of Pie, than there are people who jump "all up in my grill" when i get frank about Harry Potter. Straight-up, yo, i even have qualms putting 'Harry Potter' in italics. it's such he bare minimum of literature...

but i digress... i consented to include Life of Pi in our Honourable Mentions section.


but dudes? i am not alone in my wrinkled-nose galaxy. chris (who has probably read more of the books on the Modern Library's list than rhianna and i put together) has got my back. it's been so long since i read those few chapters & discarded Life of Pi, that i don't remember anything other than just explicitly hating it. i sent the thus-far list to chris and he immediately picked out Life of Pi.

"there is no way life of pi should even be mentioned."
"it just seemed so condescending to the reader."
"awful awful awful book."

- chris

2. Harry Potter ; J.K. Rowling

in my 'hood? rowling bitches get smacked. times a thousand. or, i have to erase from my memory, the knowledge that people i love enjoy this bound bowel movement.

what to say that hasn't already be said (by me, usually after a couple pints)? miss rowling uses half-assed, bor-ring & not even remotely interesting writing as a catalyst for her ejaculatory messes of fantasy. time & time again. not even interesting messes. folks, coherently carrying a reader from point A to point Z in a plot is not an accomplishment. that's like praising an architect for rembering to put in floors or water pipes. if you think i'm going to call her a brilliant writer because she comes up with broomstick versions of soccer? balls to you. that is not gonna happen.

i do like soccer, though...




3. Open ; Lisa Moore

what could possibly ruin an interesting plot, an enjoyable author's tone, & what appears to be talented writing? housewives. swear to god, you could write the most interesting book ever: aliens!; unicorns!; gangsters!; incest!; but once you flip the main character into a towel-ringing housewife, my attention is gone & gone again.

especially where her major qualms revolve around really, quite boring sex. not un-sexy sex. just boring sex. if you know what i mean. & i believe i said it last night: sexy boring is almost worse than just plain ol' boring.

it makes me feel dirty & shameless in all the wrong ways.

(note: this also goes for her Degrees of Nakedness)



4. Fallen ; David Maine

survey says? this is an awesome cover, homeslices.

you, my aforementioned homeslices, know how much i dig reading books with smart design. but, however a-may-zing the cover is, the content is predictable and very plodding-along-ish. so and so does this, so and so does this, so and so feels like this because so and so did that... i kept drfting off- not to sleep. you know a book is pretty bad when i favour working on packaging design over reading.

there's not that much to say about it, really. just boring. disappointing. i got perhaps two chapters in.